If you're Chinese and looking to conduct business in the U.S. or in Europe, don't call yourself Fish ... or Dumbledore, or Satan, or Creamy. This is but a sample of the sage advice offered by China's state-run broadcaster CCTV to native-born Chinese who are adopting an English name.

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It is standard practice for Chinese people who do business in the West to adopt Anglicized names.  For proof, look no further than the two richest people in China, Alibaba founder Jack Ma and Baidu founder Robin Li, who were born Ma Yun and Yanhong Li respectively.

In a report titled "Tips for Chinese choosing an English name," CCTV News warns that Chinese people must "take heed" when deciding on a name, or they run the risk of putting off Western business partners, or even humiliating themselves. 

Mythical and Religious Names

CCTV cautions that for those choosing a name from mythology, there is a fine line between an acceptable name, and one that would offend or bewilder an American.

"Choosing Harry, from Harry Potter is OK," the report says, stretching the definition of a mythological name to include JK Rowling characters. However, those who introduce themselves at a business meeting with a name like "Hercules, Satan, Dumbledore or Jesus, is a different story."

The report sagely notes that "if you call yourself Satan, you might get a few foreigners thinking you're anti-Christian, or possibly a member of a heavy metal band," keenly observing that the two are not necessarily mutually exclusive.

Sexually Suggestive Names

New name seekers should also avoid adopting sexually suggestive sobriquets - unless they're looking to get into stripping or the porn industry.  Such names to avoid include "Creamy, Pussy, Dong," and "anything suggestive put with 'Wang.'"

The report recognizes that non-native speakers "can't be blamed" for accidentally choosing a name with a sexual connotation because these terms aren't taught in school.  However, it offers this good rule of thumb: "an easy way to avoid a name linked with sex is not to pick a food name, or an animal name, like Beaver or Bunny."

Names like "Candy, Lolly, Sugar (think anything sweet), are typically thought of as 'non-smart girl' names, or 'stripper' names," the report said. And, by all means, "avoid anything like 'Bunny Wang' at all times."

Famous Names and Non-Names

The report also cautions that picking a name associated with a historical figure or celebrity can be hit or miss. For example, if a Chinese business woman is a fan of Nicole Kidman's movies, adopting the name Nicole is perfectly acceptable.

However, if someone chooses a famous name like "Obama, Einstein or Madonna and you're going to get some stares. You have some pretty big shoes to fill there," although it's unclear if CCTV's Madonna example was a reference to the mother of Jesus, or the ex-wife of Sean Penn and Guy Ritchie.

It also says that while "many Chinese like to pick names that are in fact, not names," they should resist the temptation to call themselves Surprise, Dragon, Fish, or Lawyer. "Sure, have fun and pick a random object or word as a name," CCTV warns, "but avoid them if you want a call back from that serious law firm in America."

Proper Traditional Names

If all the dos and don'ts of selecting an English name are too overwhelming, CCTV says the best way to play it safe is to look no further than the British Royal Family. You can't go wrong with names like Elizabeth, Michael, William, or Catherine.

"These are the fancy but conservative sounding names," said CCTV, "They also have a distinct feeling of Britishness, or rather, Caucasianess."

Although the information is a lot to absorb, CCTV reminds name choosers that they have an advantage over unfortunately named folks like Benedict Cumberbatch or Caspar Weinberger.

"While native English speakers are stuck with whatever happy or unhappy names they've been given," the report said, "Chinese and other non-natives get the lucky choice of picking their own English name."

Of course, all of this advice is unnecessary for those looking to strike it rich in Hollywood, home of the anything goes name game where people called Moon Unit, Rumor, or Blue Ivy raise nary an eyebrow. 

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